I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. But like most of my posts, they are just words. Words with feelings. That are bottled up until they can no longer be contained. Lately my blog has been ‘darker’ than normal. And you know what, I don’t want to blog like this. I don’t want to share my feelings and my experiences. I don’t want people to read this and judge me, for my decisions, for my opinions, or for being me.
I just want to be surface.
I do, it’s true. I want to be surface with you, you and you. I don’t want you to know that my marriage has experienced weakness, that I use to have more and now have less, that I live with my in laws and that I can go into moments of depression. I’d prefer nobody to know that– any of it. Instead I’d rather be blogging about style, fashion, home renovations and all the things I have a passion for. I want to be that blogger that can flawlessly put together an outfit with such great pictures, to have the tabletop decorated to perfection and to be able to do every DIY project my heart desires- on time, and without hiccups. Sometimes I think that I should just stop blogging about me and start blogging about all of that. Make my posts to L private and continue on. Sure I could do both, I definitely try to but at times I wish that I could just pretend that a part of me is perfect, that a part of me isn’t broken. But that’s just simply not happening, as if against my will. Every time I decide to be less ‘life’ and more ‘style’ more ‘fun’ and less ‘personal’ something happens, that makes me realize that isn’t me, at least for now. Normally these times are when I go on a couple days (or week) without posting– it’s like a battle with myself, the life I have and the life that I want. Trust me, many times I have wanted to do this– but the Lord says otherwise. Pushing me to share my story, my ministry. Trust me, sometimes I feel like I am kicking and screaming and saying NO NO when hitting publish.
I had the privilege of listening to Casey speak at Influence. She said something that struck me hard (cue ugly tears)
“Your mess can be your ministry.”
There it was right there- I’m certain it was directed towards me (and I’m sure every other women in the room). My mess is my ministry.
I’m not going to lie, this has been a hard week for me. I left Influence Conference on such a high and feeling like I could take over the world. Nothing was going to step in my way. Until I got home, and real life settled back in, and blog friends are no longer face to face with me but once again just on the internet (and text messaging). And when the enemy tries to get in the way of your ministry– he comes full force, and out of nowhere. It’s happening, to me, to this blog. Right now it’s a battle, but honestly it’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s just a season.
And in the moment of wanting to say goodbye to my blog and just focus on my business, I get emails- from readers I had no clue even read my blog. I can’t tell you enough how much it means to know that people actually read this blog, and care what I have to say. Sometimes it definitely gets discouraging thinking nobody leaves comments, because I start to wonder what I’ve said wrong. But these emails, from readers who have been or are in similar situations, readers that thank me for trusting in the Lord enough to give everything I knew up to follow his path, for sharing my story, even if it is just a small part of it. This is my ministry, and I can’t do it without you… each one of you.
Nicole, I love you and I’m praying for you! I believe wholeheartedly in seasons, in life and in blogging. Right now, it isn’t a surface season for you. It isn’t for me either. And sometimes I get tired of sharing my heart all the time and wish I could write about what I did that day instead.
I wanted to say to you, too: thank you so much for letting me hang out with you and your roommates Saturday night. I felt a little weird crashing your room but you were all so sweet. I had a blast with y’all! Skype or phone date soon? Let me know what your schedule looks like!
It takes such bravery to say what you just did….much less make it part of your blog. When I read here, I see a girl who is a great momma, a cute dresser, an honest women, a brave soul, a talented artist who is inspiring others. What you feel like you’re putting out there recently is most likely an answer to someone’s prayer….just to feel like they’re not alone…’cause that’s the way the Lord works! I’m praying for you, too!
Girl you just mad me cry- this was so sweet to read. And you’re right, I may be answering someone else’s pray! Love ya!
Nic, one of the things I love about you is how bold, brave and vulnerable you are. Both in real life and on here. I know none of us like to write about the truly yucky parts of ourselves and our lives but that is exactly what ministers to others. I hope you find the perfect balance between your life and your passion on here. Love you billions
Ash I can’t tell you enough how much this comment means to me! I can’t wait until the day I get to post a picture of an grad school acceptance letter- but until then (and I’m sure even after then) it’s just trying to find a balance between it all! xo
Nic, I love this and I love you!! We all go through seasons of ups and downs and it’s in those season that we celebrate together when things are good and come around you in prayer when you’re struggling. Don’t ever let anyone feel like you are any less or capable of any less just because you have struggles. We ALL have struggles and sometimes our biggest messes can be our biggest ministry to others. What we share can touch the lives of others in big ways!! Be strong in the Lord, for he is good and all you need!
Love you too! It’s hard to be so open when it’s so messy, I know a lot of others have it way worse than I do– but it’s still a tough season!
Well you already know that I’m right there with you.
Thankfully God is so great at redeeming things, even the hard things – for His glory. Love you, friend.
I hear you loud and clear:) Sounds like you wrote this post for me I can relate so! I definitely love “Your mess can be your ministry” because even thought the comments are scarce and it seems like no one cares, you are so right, those heartfelt emails and encouragement to allow the Lord to continue to use you have a way of making everything seem worthwhile. I encourage you to continue sharing your mess for the glory of God.
I love this comment. You have me smiling so big right now! It’s so hard to continue to post when the comments aren’t there– but I’m very guilty of not leaving comments on blog posts I read either, I’m trying to change that! xo friend!
Love you. You are so beautiful, both in and out.
Never stop writing about the yucky stuff! Those are the posts I prefer! I can’t relate to perfect fashion posts or perfectly decorated houses! xoxo
Thank you so much! It’s just nice to hear this because it helps remind me of why it is I blog and what the Lord wants me to do!
i love this post girl! i love you! i know exactly how you feel and often times wish i could be that flawless put together blogger but i realize when i write about my mess i am touching others. you sharing this helps me to know i am not alone in feeling like i don’t have it all together. xoxox
I’m so glad- see this is why it’s important for me to remember my ministry, because you’re not alone! xo