I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. But like most of my posts, they are just words. Words with feelings. That are bottled up until they can no longer be contained. Lately my blog has been ‘darker’ than normal. And you know what, I don’t want to blog like this. I don’t want to share my feelings and my experiences. I don’t want people to read this and judge me, for my decisions, for my opinions, or for being me.
I just want to be surface.
I do, it’s true. I want to be surface with you, you and you. I don’t want you to know that my marriage has experienced weakness, that I use to have more and now have less, that I live with my in laws and that I can go into moments of depression. I’d prefer nobody to know that– any of it. Instead I’d rather be blogging about style, fashion, home renovations and all the things I have a passion for. I want to be that blogger that can flawlessly put together an outfit with such great pictures, to have the tabletop decorated to perfection and to be able to do every DIY project my heart desires- on time, and without hiccups. Sometimes I think that I should just stop blogging about me and start blogging about all of that. Make my posts to L private and continue on. Sure I could do both, I definitely try to but at times I wish that I could just pretend that a part of me is perfect, that a part of me isn’t broken. But that’s just simply not happening, as if against my will. Every time I decide to be less ‘life’ and more ‘style’ more ‘fun’ and less ‘personal’ something happens, that makes me realize that isn’t me, at least for now. Normally these times are when I go on a couple days (or week) without posting– it’s like a battle with myself, the life I have and the life that I want. Trust me, many times I have wanted to do this– but the Lord says otherwise. Pushing me to share my story, my ministry. Trust me, sometimes I feel like I am kicking and screaming and saying NO NO when hitting publish.
I had the privilege of listening to Casey speak at Influence. She said something that struck me hard (cue ugly tears)
“Your mess can be your ministry.”
There it was right there- I’m certain it was directed towards me (and I’m sure every other women in the room). My mess is my ministry.
I’m not going to lie, this has been a hard week for me. I left Influence Conference on such a high and feeling like I could take over the world. Nothing was going to step in my way. Until I got home, and real life settled back in, and blog friends are no longer face to face with me but once again just on the internet (and text messaging). And when the enemy tries to get in the way of your ministry– he comes full force, and out of nowhere. It’s happening, to me, to this blog. Right now it’s a battle, but honestly it’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s just a season.
And in the moment of wanting to say goodbye to my blog and just focus on my business, I get emails- from readers I had no clue even read my blog. I can’t tell you enough how much it means to know that people actually read this blog, and care what I have to say. Sometimes it definitely gets discouraging thinking nobody leaves comments, because I start to wonder what I’ve said wrong. But these emails, from readers who have been or are in similar situations, readers that thank me for trusting in the Lord enough to give everything I knew up to follow his path, for sharing my story, even if it is just a small part of it. This is my ministry, and I can’t do it without you… each one of you.